


The Protector

by twothirdspride



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-26
Updated: 2016-06-26
Packaged: 2018-07-18 10:39:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7311670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twothirdspride/pseuds/twothirdspride
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Sometimes there just were these moments when Dan suddenly became the center of my universe. It was when he needed me most. And I could never deny him. There was something about him, something lost and beautiful that made me want to care for him. Whatever it took."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Protector

It had been quite the day, first my nine to five job as an assistant at a lawyers office, then a packed tube ride home, feeling like a fish in a can squeezed in between all those smelly people and then standing in line for no less than ten minutes just to do some last minute shopping at Tesco for a bag of crisps and a bottle of coke. London really was exhausting. Especially on a Friday evening. Just too much people and too much smell and too much running and pushing and just too much. But the weekend had miraculously, finally arrived and I was dragging my tired body up the few flights of stairs to my flat. I was so ready for some peace and quiet and alone time. 

Except, I wasn’t alone in my flat, hadn’t been for the last 3 months.

I opened the door and there he was, sitting with his back to me on the couch, giant headphones covering his ears and laptop on his knees. Dan. We had met during his short glimpse into uni life, back in Manchester and had become fast friends. And after I had actually finished my degree, unlike him, it just so happened that I got a job in London, where he now lived with his best friend Phil. Or used to live, I should say, as he was already occupying my couch for quite a while now. And also, the term best friend is actually not quite descriptive enough. I just use it, because Dan uses it. Has always used, when referring to Phil. But from the first time I had seen them together I knew there was more to it. There was something about the way Phil treated Dan with so much gentle attention and how Dan seemed to lose his anxiety ridden awkwardness as soon as Phil was near that suggested more than average friendship. A dead giveaway was also the timid kiss I had seen placed on smiling lips when they thought I wasn’t looking. But still, none of them would ever refer to the other as anything other than their “best friend”. 

All these things seemed far away now, though. Almost 3 months ago, Dan had appeared at my door, looking so lost and exhausted that I felt the need to immediately wrap my arms around him. I wanted to shield him from anything bad, to protect him from whatever there was that caused this look in his eyes. It had always been like that for me and Dan. Ever since back at uni, I was his silent protector. Whether we would go out drinking with the others, or even only go on a 1am pizza quest into town. I was there. When he would feel down, when he would feel anxious about exams and the future and the inevitability of death, I was there listening and soothingly combing my hands through his hair. Dan did this to me. He brought out the protective tiger in me. The only time I would see him more relaxed than with me was when Phil was around. But when Phil for some reason was busy, or gone to visit his family or otherwise too preoccupied to notice Dans silent pleading for comfort, he would come to me. And that’s probably why he showed up at my place, duffel bag and all, asking if he could stay for a while. Of course he could.

I tried to ask him a few times over the next weeks what had happened between him and Phil that had made him flee their shared flat at the other end of London, but I never got a real answer. “I just needed to get out for a while”.  
As he noticed me stepping into the lounge he flinched and quickly closed the tab he had been on. Too late though, as I had already seen what it was. Phil. Of course. Probably some vlog Phil had put up on his YouTube channel some time or another. 

Dan cleared his throat. “Oh. Hey. Wh-what are you doing here?”

“I live here” I deadpanned, as I let myself fall on the couch next to him.

“Right.”

I stuffed one of his pillows behind my back. “Have you even left your ‘bed’ at all today?” I put the “bed” part in air quotes, my couch really wasn’t designed to be slept on for months on end.

“Shush.”

I sighed. 

It was quiet for a while.

Then I said, cautious as if to not disturb a small animal, “I saw it, you know.”

“Saw what?” His voice was stern, determined to deny, any second now.

“You were watching Phil, again.” Yes, this had not been the first time. In fact, this was a rather frequent thing. Dan stayed silent, staring at the colourful Google logo now taking up his screen.

“Have you contacted him yet?”

“No.”

“Dan...”

“I can’t, okay?!” 

None of this was news to me. I couldn’t even count the times in the last few months that we had this conversation. It was silent again, and I closed my eyes, too tired from the day for any of this. Then I felt a weight on my shoulder and soft hair tickling my cheek. A silent sniffing sound.

“I miss him so much.” It was only a whisper. A secret. Perhaps he hadn’t even meant to say it. 

“I know” I whispered back. 

“Can you… do the thing?”

“Mh.” I hummed and then threaded my fingers through his hair, softly stroking my fingertips over his scalp. A few minutes past like this. The subtle whirring of Dans laptop was the only sound after Dans sniffling had died down and the sunset began to colour the walls orange and yellow.

“You’re such a mom” Dan murmured softly, cheek still squished on my shoulder.

“Oh wow, yes thank you, that’s a comment I need to hear at 24.”

Dan giggled. “24 year olds are actually moms sometimes, you know.”

“Am I at least a hot mom, then?” I was just teasing, and he knew it. We both were, even though untold, completely aware of the fact that our sexualities couldn’t be any more drastically different from each other. Especially if my last two ex-girlfriends where anything to go by.

“The hottest.” He confirmed, still giggling.

After a bit more scalp massaging and sitting in comfortable silence, he added quietly, “Thank you, though. Really.”

“You’re welcome.” I replied. “What about dinner? I’m starving. I think we still have some veggies and rice. You want me to cook my infamous vegan curry?”

“Sure, mom” He grinned. Smartass.

“I hate you.”

~

It had worked though, I had made him smile. I had protected him once again. When I finally crawled into bed that night, I felt accomplished. We had filled the house with warm smells and easy conversation, had watched tv mindlessly while scrolling down our tumblr. feeds, laughing when the other found an especially ridiculous post.

I didn’t bring up Phil again, even though, throughout the evening, that soft broken whisper echoed in the back of my head. _“I miss him so much.”_

I turned in bed, restless. What was it that kept Dan from running back to Phil? Did Phil do something to him? Did Phil cheat on him? I know, technically they didn’t refer to each other as boyfriends. But still, it was unthinkable for me that either of them would ever choose another “life partner”, for lack of a better word. I immediately pushed that thought out of my head. Phil was entirely too sweet and caring. I just couldn’t see him ever doing anything to hurt Dan. Especially since Phil had to know how jealous Dan could get.

But then what else was the issue? Did Dan do something that hurt Phil? Probably not. I had rarely seen anyone be as infatuated with another person, as Dan was with Phil…

_“I miss him so much.”_

Over all that thinking, I must have fallen asleep. The next thing I registered was the mattress shifting, and cold air rushing around my body momentarily as the duvet was lifted slightly and a body slid into bed next to me, careful not to let our bodies touch. Which wasn’t an easy task in my slim, twin sized bed.

“Dan?”

“S-sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you. Go back to sleep.”

This was not new to me. It was just as frequent of an occurrence for us as me catching Dan watching Phils videos. A few times over the last months he would crawl into my bed. A silent pleading, a need for comfort. We would never speak about it later. I assumed he’d rather forget these moments of weakness. I didn’t mind, though. I was his rock. I was the tiger, the protector of this wonderful, broken being. 

“It’s okay. What’s the matter?”

“Can’t sleep, is all.” His body was rigid beside me.

“Come here”, I turned to him and opened my arms and after a moment of hesitation he pushed his body against mine and buried his face in my neck. He was so warm, his body instantly heating up my whole being. I wondered if he was having a fever.   
He also didn’t stop squirming around, obviously not finding a comfortable position, wrapping his arm around my back, then draping it over my waist and back up again, his legs moving around just as restlessly.

“Dan.”

“Sorry.”

“Dan, what…”

“Sorry. I just…”

Then he looked at me. I saw his faint outline, tried to connect my eyes with his in the darkness. A moment of silence, then a whisper.  
“Can-can you do the… the thing?”

Dutifully I threaded my hand through his soft hair.

“No… I… I mean… the _th-thing_.”

Then it clicked. Now, this was new. Although not entirely. It had happened. There had been alcohol involved and neither of us could remember all the details. Probably, there had been too much alcohol involved, because all I can recall is blurred memories of hot breath on my face and heavy panting, a chest rising and falling and skin, so much skin and then a burst of pleasure and then darkness. I had woken up wrapped in my duvet in an empty bed and a cheerful Dan in my kitchen offered me coffee, but not any explanation. Though, I was pretty sure what had happened without it, anyway. 

In this moment, though, Dan was sober. And so was I. And he had never seemed smaller, despite being a foot taller than me. He looked at me. By asking this, he was being so recklessly vulnerable, so brave in my eyes. I felt a sudden burst of adoration roar through my body, throwing every bit of worry to the wind. _What about Phil?_ Forgotten. _Dan is my best friend._ Forgotten. _We’ll regret this._ And _I’m not even into men that much._ Also forgotten. Sometimes there just were these moments when Dan suddenly became the center of my universe. It was when he needed me most. And I could never deny him. There was something about him, something lost and beautiful that made me want to care for him. Whatever it took.

“Okay.”

“R-really?”

“Yeah.”

“I… I just…”

“I know, it’s fine.” We were barely speaking, as if someone could possibly hear the whispering through thick concrete walls. But this was a secret. Our secret. It had to be kept safe in the darkness and silence.

Slowly and carefully I placed my hand on his chest, and was relieved that his heartbeat was matching mine in pace and intensity. I dragged my hand down, slipping it under his shirt and over his soft belly. So it wasn’t a fever after all. Good, I thought.

I pushed my head onto his collarbones so I wouldn’t have to look at him and hoped that the awkwardness would fade soon. _He needs me._

With that thought I pushed past the waistband of his pajamas. And at my fingers first contact, Dan sighed. It wasn’t pleasure, it was relief.

I began stroking up and down carefully, building a rhythm. Not that I knew what I was doing. I hadn’t really planned to come into contact with a real penis in the near future, or actually ever, for that matter. But I had seen porn, I figured it couldn’t be that difficult. The motion was simple, and judging by Dans quiet gasping it was good enough. At least until he stopped my hand. He didn’t say anything, so I looked up. His expression was unreadable to me. He silently rolled out from underneath me and I already thought he would get up and leave, but he only leaned over and opened my bedside drawer. Blood shot straight to my head and I felt embarrassed heat building in my throat. My strap-on. Dan somehow knew of my strap-on and pulled it out of the drawer, placing it on the bed and lying down again.

In this moment more than any other time in my life previous, I was thankful for the pitch black darkness surrounding us, so Dan couldn’t see how red my face was. 

“I-is this okay with you?” more timid whispering.

“Yeah, i-it’s… it’s fine.”

“You sure?”

“Mh.” I hummed the affirmative.

“Okay.” 

A few seconds later I felt his hand on my stomach, then below my waistband.

“Dan.”

“Sorry.”

“You… you don’t have to.”

“Okay.”

Quietly I sat up and began pushing down my pajamas. And heaven help me if this wasn’t the most awkward moment of my life. Luckily Dan caught on quickly and discreetly looked away until I had the strap-on fastened around my hips.

Then I breathed deeply. In, out. In, out. It’s as easy as that, isn’t it. It’s not as if I had never done it before. In, out. In… hold… out… Here we go.

I reached down, determined, slipped my fingers under his waistband again and then tucked it all off in one go. Dan let it happen, like a ragdoll dropping his feet back down onto the mattress. I tried not to look, now searching for his eyes again. He nodded solemnly. 

I got closer to him, resting on my forearms either side of his head. I felt his heat seeping through our layers of clothing into my body. Or maybe it was _my_ body heat. Or maybe it was ours. 

Just as I was about to move, I suddenly remembered something. Something essential, something I never had to really care much about the previous times in my life I had had sex.

“Dan, do I need to…” I couldn’t finish the sentence.

“No. I.. I already tried… you know…”

A pause.

“Alone… before. It’s fine. I’m ready.”

I was thankful for a lot of things in that moment. Thankful that I didn’t have to do the whole preparation thing, yes, but also thankful for us understanding each other within so little conversation, thankful for the darkness concealing us from the world in a tiny safe bubble where only we existed and thankful for Dans heartbeat thumping against my chest. It calmed me down, to feel just how alive he was right then, how so entirely _there_. In a short, irrational moment I thought about the fact that I wasn’t wearing a bra under my shirt and that he surely could feel that, but then I realized I was about to fuck my best friend up the ass and squishy boobs against his chest were probably the last thing on his mind right now. I promised myself I would laugh at my own ridiculousness later, as now was definitely not the time.

“Alright, I… I’m gonna do it.”

“Please.” 

It was so needy, so breathy and so convincing, that word. 

I reached down, guiding the strap-on with my hand in a guessing game as to where I needed to go. The next moment Dans hand was on mine, helping me along. And then, I finally pushed in. Just like that. A tiny groan rushed past Dans lips. The resistance was surely stronger than what I was used to, but once I was fully inside, I finally felt a bit more in my element. It was easy. In, out. In, out. A steady rhythm.

Dans hand was lying next to him on my pillow and I don’t know why, but it felt right, it felt necessary, and so I laced my fingers with his. I rested my forehead on Dans, looking into his eyes, which I knew where chocolate colored, but right now they just seemed like tiny black abysses. 

In, out. In, out. In… hold… out.

“Ugh, I missed this so much.” Dan groaned, a little breathless. 

In, out. In, out.

“F-faster… faster, please.” He closed his eyes tight and I obeyed, pushing and pulling faster. At one particular thrust, Dans breath hitched. “Jesus, fuck. Right there.”

At this point, I had to admit to myself, despite the awkwardness, this was kinda hot. And me pushing into the base of the strap-on on every inward thrust, wasn’t helping my case. In fact, soon enough I would be tumbling near the edge I didn’t know I wanted to fall down in Dans presence.

Dan was staring into my eyes again, breath heavy, familiar and warm on my face. 

“Fuck… I need…” 

“What?”

“I… I… Ugh” another groan, actually audible this time. Throaty and deep and _right next to my ear_. I let my head fall down onto his chest and felt the moan bubbling up in my throat before I even heard it. My hips jerked forward and then…

“F-fuck, Phil…”

Dan froze. I could feel his body tense up all the way down to his toes.

“Shit, sorry, I…”

“It’s okay.” I smiled at him as he looked at me, completely dumbfounded. “It’s not like I always knew, or anything, you know…”

Then he smiled back. We kept still for a while, just looking at each other.

“Keep going?” He asked, timidly.

“Yeah, sorry.”

I picked up my rhythm again. In, out. In, out. In, out.

“Ph… Ah…”

“Go on. Say it.” This was all for him. This was not for me. I was the protector.

“Phil…” Dan groaned, softly. I looked at his face. His eyes were closed. He looked blissful. I couldn’t resist anymore. Connecting our lips, I carefully kissed him, trying not to slow down my movement. And for some reason I had not expected his lips to be so soft, his kissing so tender. And I didn’t want to stop.

When we finally disconnected our lips in need of air, Dan pushed his head into the pillow. I felt his back arching beneath me. Then a breathy “Don’t stop…”

Then, “Phil…”

And then…

“I love you”

Then I felt all his muscles tensing, thick fluid spreading in droplets over my stomach and his only real moan of the night tumbled from his lips. A beautiful, sweet sound for me to catch in my mouth as I kissed him again and overworked my muscles to help him through his orgasm. 

His hands reflexively grabbed my hips when it became too much, and I stopped, carefully pulling out. After I had fumbled a bit with the clasps of the strap-on and finally got it off my body, I hurriedly pulled my own pants back up my thighs, ignoring the sticky mess in more than one place on my body. When I picked up Dans pajamas to hand them to him, I saw he was lying flat on his back, palms pressed into his eyes. His chest was moving, stuttering up and down. _Oh shit_. 

“Oh, Dan. Hey. Shhh… I’m sorry”

“I-it’s not… not that… not you” He sobbed. “It’s just… I… I love him so _fucking much_. A-and I’m gonna… gonna… ruin… h-him.”

“What?”

“Phil…he’s per-perfect and… I’ll… r-ruin him.”

“What do you mean you’ll ‘ruin him’?” I carefully pried his hands from his eyes and took them in mine. Trails of tears had run down the sides of his face into his mussed up hair. He wouldn’t look at me. He stared to the side, sniffling. “Dan?”

“Ever since I got to know him, I knew I wasn’t good enough for him….”

“Oh, Dan…”

“Shh, let me talk.”

His crying had died down, only occasionally would a single tear fall down his cheek.

“I was just a fan first, but by some unforeseen miracle, Phil actually kept responding to my tweets, said yes to my idea of skyping and then even invited me to his house. I was so happy, because I got to meet my idol. But then I started to feel so comfortable around him, so fast. He was so sweet and so funny and he was so much like me, while being so different from me all at the same time… you know?” He looked at me. I knew it was a rhetorical question and just waited for him to continue. “After never having a best friend in my life before, I felt sure to finally have found one. And suddenly Phil wasn’t just my idol anymore, he was so close, so reachable. And one night it happened.” Dan closed his eyes, as if to remember. “We were at this party, well it was more like a gathering where they served some alcohol, we sat there all night and talked. I was so entranced by him. There was something about him that seemed… pure to me. No bullshit, you know? No bullshit, paired with such genuine care about the people around him, and increasingly about me. And he was so fucking pretty with his swishy hair and blue eyes and the way he smiles and his face lights up and… and I was tipsy… and all I could think was _Phil Phil Phil_ … and so I… I kissed him.” He almost whispered the words. I couldn’t suppress a smile. “A while after that I noticed that I was undeniably, terribly, horribly in love with my best friend…” he paused. “Phil…” he swallowed “…he never made it awkward. He would somehow fit into my moods like a puzzle piece, draw back if I demanded space, but kiss me back everytime without hesitation and then never bring it up again, if I didn’t do so first. A few months ago he even… he agreed to sleep with me…”

The sun had slowly begun to rise and I could now see the faint red tint on Dans face.

“He always does… did… so much for me… and all I ever did was demand and cry and be cold to him with my stupid fucking moodswings. I hate myself so much for using him and I needed to leave him because all I am is destructive and I know I’ll just hurt him if I stay close to him. And I also hate him, because he’s gotta know what I feel for him by now, but still he just feeds into that by constantly giving into my bullshit, even though he clearly doesn’t feel the same for me… he won’t just give me a chance to fall out of love with him. And he just does it because he can’t say no to people and he just wants to please everyone, because that’s how he is. But that’ll ruin him, you know? Someday it’ll ruin him and I can’t let that happen. I need to protect him. He’s perfect and I   
need to stay away from him…”

Dan took a deep breath. Then he looked at me, awaiting my reaction. I needed to collect my thoughts, what he told me was confusing. It was unbelievable to me that someone as bright, as smart, as Dan could not see something that seemed so obvious to me, just from the sparse knowledge I had of their relationship from what I had seen myself and from what Dan had just told me. I sat up in bed, crossing my legs and looking down at him.

“Dan, I don’t think Phil ever ‘fed into your bullshit’” I used exaggerated air quotes. “He’s just… Dan, he’s waiting for you. He’s always been waiting for you.”

Dan stared at me with wide eyes. “Waiting for what?” He breathed.

“For commitment.”

It had dawned on me. Phil was his protector too. Carefully he had unraveled Dans cocoon of tightly knit insecurities and self doubt. He had been so patient, always waiting for Dan to call the shots. Always making him feel in control, making him feel comfortable and cared for. All for the purpose of making Dan be brave enough for his own love. And Dan just didn’t get it. 

We were both silent. Dan’s eyebrows were drawn together, deep in thought.

“Did he try to get in touch with you, since you left?” I asked.

“At first he didn’t… but after like… a week…” Dan mumbled. I knew he felt bad for it. “…every other day.”

“Every other day?”

“Okay, well… every day…”

“And you never answer?”

Dan also didn’t answer that.

“Dan, please… contact him. He’s probably worried sick.”

“He knows I’m here.”

“Yeah well maybe he’s not worried for your sake, for once.”

“What do you mean?” 

“Maybe he’s worried that he lost you. Maybe he doesn’t want you gone. Maybe he wants you there, just for selfish reasons.”

“Do you think he does?” he whispered.

“I do.”

A smile spread over his lips and he looked down. 

He finally fumbled for his pajama bottoms under the covers and put them on, got up and walked over to the window. There he stood for a while watching the sunrise tint the sky. I glanced over at the alarm clock on my bedside table. It said 4:52am. I suppressed a yawn.

“I think I’ll go home.” Dan announced.

I smiled to myself. He turned around and came towards me again, sat on the bed and then, without a warning, put his arms around me. The sudden warmth of his body, the familiar beating of his heart enveloped me and in the distance of my mind I could still faintly hear that broken moan. I blushed and tried to ban the sound somewhere, never to haunt me again. I had done all the protection necessary. He had had a protector all along. 

“Thank you.” He whispered.

When he drew back he placed a tender kiss right at the corner of my mouth and ran his hand through my hair. I wished I wouldn’t have blushed again, but I sure did. He did too, though. He smiled a warm smile. It had been so long since I’d seen him like this. Good, I thought.

He glanced at the clock. “You should go back to sleep, I’ve kept you up for way too long.” 

_‘Jesus, fuck. Right there.’_

Oh, no. This will take forever for me to forget, won’t it?! 

“I’ll go now, but I’ll be back to get all my shit off of your couch.” He giggled. 

“Mhh.” I hummed in agreement and yawned. I let myself fall back onto the bed dramatically. 

Dan laughed and then got up and headed towards my bedroom door. Before sleep took me I managed to meekly call out. “Dan?”

“Mh?”

“Tell him you love him?”

He smiled. “I will.”

~

A few days later, Dan invited me out for coffee. After waiting alone in the coffee shop for a few minutes I saw him come in. But not alone, Phil followed behind. Dan grinned widely at me from across the room as he placed his hand on Phils lower back, guiding him towards our table. We all greeted each other with friendly hugs. 

“What d’you wanna drink?” He asked me brightly.

“Mhh… White Chocolate Mocha!”

“Phil?” 

“Just something with a lot of caramel, please.”

“Done. Be right back.” With that Dan leaned down, left a short peck on Phils lips and then sauntered off towards the counter. Phil looked after him with dazed, pleasant shock written all over his features.

Then he leaned over the table and whispered to me, a huge smile on his face. “Whatever you did, thank you! Like… a lot!”

And while Dan came back over after placing our orders and proceeded to sit way too close to his “best friend”, I thought about how it would probably be a bad idea to tell Phil that his boyfriend had the epiphany about his love for him after a girl had fucked him with a strap-on and let him call her Phils name… 

I tried to drown myself in a huge gulp of white chocolate cream. Now, it seemed, all that needed protection was a secret.


End file.
